You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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