I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
