So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
