Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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