The maid of honor just puked.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
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