My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
