Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
