Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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