It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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