I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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