my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
