We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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