i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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