I'll bet she douches with gravy.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
