There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
