Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
