I skipped work to stalk him.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
