I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Dick very happy bro
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
