I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
