so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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