Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
