Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Randomize
