I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
