i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
