I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
