Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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