I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So much rum. So many feels.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
