so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
