This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
