just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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