drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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