I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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