The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
