Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She even gives head with a lisp.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
