I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
