Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Also, beer. Big fan.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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