Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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