I'm really into asian looking animals
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
