I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
