come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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