i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
