It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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