Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
