she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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