I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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