he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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