There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
