Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
