I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
