theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
