Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
